wife

Desire to please

upwithmarriage_desire-to-please

A guaranteed way to get into my heart is to treat my kids well … or even my dogs.  People are especially drawn to you when you value what they love.

Special treatment of who I love endears you to me.

When I value people who God’s chosen, I show that I love Him.  Treating any of His kids, a brother or a husband, poorly doesn’t endear me to God. Instead, it draws His corrective eye.

Parents in the natural, siblings in the supernatural

As a parent when one of my kids mistreats their sibling in retaliation, especially when the offending sibling is not mature or is not emotionally strong, it shows me that child is lacking in something.  I don’t think any parent – including God – wants to see their kids exacting revenge on each other.

And, being made in God’s image, it makes sense that our parenting outcomes would be similar to His – we want our kids to grow up and do well.  We want them to do right, to others and to do right, for themselves.  In our marriage, God is the Father of us both, a son and a daughter, and He wants both His kids to grow up and do well – for ourselves and to each other.  But if my brother sins against me and I choose to not reflect Christ in my response (Rom 8:29) I will draw God’s parenting corrective eye rather than endearing myself to Him and making Him proud of me.

Choose – think – act

As soon as my marriage became truly about God, a spark was ignited which fueled my desire to be a better wife. It seemed to be a very natural progression, a win/win.  I’m not saying it was an effortless progression, we’re still required to flesh out things in our lives, but at least now, I could see the plan.  It’s similar to getting healthy. Just reading about working out and proper nutrition won’t make you healthy.  You need to first have the desire, then get the knowledge, and finally, fulfill the activity of the knowledge – it’s still going to be work even though you can see the direction you’re going.

In this example, I’m after the corollary of good health and activity:  A lean(er) fit body.

I’m betting since you read Upwithmarriage, you already have God at the center of your life and He was probably a part of your wedding day. But has He been moved to the hub that your role as a wife rides on in the marriage?

Once God occupies that position, you will naturally choose better thoughts.  With better thoughts, you automatically speak better words.  My desire to please God – better thoughts – better words – better treatment of my husband – God’s pleased.  It starts and ends with God but our proof is in the middle.

Flesh or Spirit

It always comes down to that fight inside of us, doesn’t it?  Am I going to position myself in that hub or am I going to willingly let God have it?  I found out, He won’t fight you for it – He doesn’t work that way.  Just like your choice to accept Jesus Christ for your life, you have to willingly hand over the position, over and over again.

The question we have to continually ask is:  Which desire is stronger?  The desire to get our own way by doing it our own way – to please the flesh.  Or the desire to do it God’s way by following Christ’s way – to please the Spirit.

My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God’s Spirit. Then you won’t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day.  –Paul to the Galatians

I recently attended a webinar from Jeff Goins.  He had lots of great information, but it was a question he asked at the beginning that resonated with me for marriage:  “Are you looking for an excuse, or are you looking for success?  Because you’ll find whichever one you are looking for.”

As long as I was determined to have Darrell’s problems always be the excuse, our marriage was moving in the direction of failure.  But when I set my sights on God for my success as a wife, the direction of our marriage changed to success.

The truth is, whether you think positive or negative about your husband, either way you are right.  Don’t underestimate the effect you have on him – it’s profound in ways you can’t imagine.

upwithmarriage_desire-to-please

Rsignature

Love covers

upm-nov16-2016

… love covers  (1 Peter 4:8)

… He clothed them (Gen 3:21)

… they covered him  (Gen 9:23)

One of the things I love about God is that He never just says, Do this rule.  He always demonstrates a clear model to follow. To me, He is the forerunner of what it means to cover an offense with love.

HIDING SIN?

God was the first to sacrifice in the name of love in order to cover the sin of another.  He loved all His creation yet He sacrificed His own creatures so He could cover Adam and Eve’s offence.  It must have been hard, but that’s what love does.

And who was He hiding their sin from?  Obviously not Himself, maybe Satan?  Although Satan was aware of getting them to disobey God, I’m not sure he understood the full ramifications of what he had just set in motion, but that’s another post.  Perhaps it was from Adam and Eve themselves?

It wasn’t to “hide” in a fearful deceptive way, like Adam and Eve did with the leaves right after they disobeyed.  There is nothing anyone can hide from God, He knows all, is all, sees all.  But when God covered them, that was something completely different, it was done with a pure heart.  It was done for them.

Covering is for love

After Noah and the gang disembarked and were safely moving on with their lives on dry land, there was cause for celebration for sure!  Having come from a long line of weekend-warrior alcoholics, I know what a blindingly drunk party looks like and the numbing affect it has on the senses.

I don’t think it was a one-time event in Noah’s life; he was a drinker.  That’s how his two older sons knew immediately what to do when the youngest son was disrespectful.  Shem and Japheth showed love for Noah by covering him when he was unable, to do it himself, because of sin.

upm-nov16-gen

It wasn’t so much about modesty as it was about demonstrating love through respecting their father.  Ham choose to expose the sin; he chose wrong.

Love covered my sin

Sometimes, sadly, our first response isn’t to reciprocate what God did for us — what Jesus did for us — what Shem and Japheth did for Noah:  To cover.  Too often we’re like Ham, we want to point out the sin and expose it.

It’s not that we don’t need help.  On occasion, marriage is hard and sometimes we do need a voice of reason.  But if we are intellectually honest with ourselves, not in most cases.  In most cases, it’s a matter of, I don’t think you’re doing it right; my way is right, you’re wrong.  You need to change.

Our first response is to reveal what our husbands have done and that makes us wrong on three counts.  First:  We are more concerned about ourselves than our husbands.  Second:  We are complaining out of inconvenience to our own lives.  And third, we just think we are better than them because we can see their sin and offences and we think theirs is worse than ours.

Because of selfishness we miss the whole point.  The purpose of putting on God’s covering of love isn’t primarily for self, it’s for others.

upm-nov16-eph

We wear the covering of love because that’s what Jesus did for us.  He covers my sin so that I may come boldly before God.  If I’m being continually remade into Christ’s image, I’ll behave more and more like Him.  So shouldn’t I want to try and cover in the name of love, like He did?

WHY?  Why cover it up?

The covering of love doesn’t pretend the sin isn’t real, nor does it take away our flaws, it just hides them from all-out exposure to everyone else.

… Except God.

Now God is left alone with the person and the problem, to work quietly and to completely heal their heart.  It’s only God who can really tell* what needs changing, healing or to be left alone.   And no one wants the ugliness inside them exposed for everyone to see.  Most of us just close off when there’s a threat of exposure, including shutting out God.

My job?  To cover as the process is happening.  Jesus doesn’t cover my sin with His blood to hide it from God so I can slip into heaven with it.  Jesus covers to make it private:  Just between me and God.  This is where my salvation is worked out, privately under the cover of love.

As wives, we have the distinction of being invited to work co-operatively with God as we cover in love.  So I’m left with a question.  Am I going to be like Ham and expose sin and flaws to others (sidenote: like Satan the accuser of the brethren**).  Or, will I choose to cover like Shem and Japheth?

God places the onus on me to figure out the difference.  In this responsibility, I get to see who I really am by discovering the real motive in my heart.  Why do I want to expose his flaws?  Or, why do I want to cover his flaws?

It’s tricky ground for sure.  Navigating the steps on the soil of our own hearts.

Rsignature

 

 

 

____________________

* (Jeremiah 17:10;  Psalm 139:1-4;  Romans 8:27)

**(Zechariah 3:1;  Revelations 12:10)

 

 

Adversity

00 POST TITLE VERSE 1 test1

This analogy has a great application for marriages.  It’s only in the storms that weak spots are exposed.  When they are exposed the builder doesn’t scrap the whole ship as a failure and start over.  Rather, now that a weakness is exposed it can be fixed and made stronger.

The storms in marriages reveal weaknesses in both people, not failures; areas that are still unhealed, unhealthy and incomplete.  Every marriage is a one-flesh ship, so to speak, and will face storms.

Weakness or Failure?

The design of marriage is for support during weakness – not condemnation in failure.  Storms will happen, you can’t live in this world untouched by them.  The Message describes the world as squalid and polluted and it makes sense, Satan owns it.  So we need a ship-mate who’s got our back if we are going to make it through.

God chose you to be your husband’s wife the day you met him.  You agreed to be his team-mate on your wedding day and sealed the deal on your wedding night.  In this, God invites you in on His plan: to witness Him renew your husband’s mind and change his life.

It’s in these storms that God does His best work.  It’s in these storms that we get to demonstrate our authenticity of faith; whether the storm is a simple rain shower or one that reaches extreme levels of intensity that beat and pound against the hull of a marriage for years.

Victors Are Selfless

Sarah gives us an example of how to handle ourselves in a storm.  When Abraham requested that she allow herself to be taken into Pharaoh’s harem, she saw the request not as a failure of a husband but as a flaw that was being exposed.  The sin of fear that needed healing before it got any worse.  In her example we see that she didn’t:

  • Take it personally – she didn’t see it as an attack on herself, or
  • Make it her business to set him straight or fix the circumstances– she didn’t believe she could do a better job of healing him than God.

Her spiritual maturity is confirmed by her ability to put him first.  His emotional damage was obviously worse than hers, she was stronger.  She didn’t say, No way, Abe.  You are not going to drag me down with you just because you are afraid.  She knew he needed her strength and power, not her criticism, and used this opportunity to intercede for him rather than go on a faultfinding mission.

It appeared as though Abraham was giving up on her and their marriage by choosing himself over her:

[…] they will kill me, but they will let you live.

Sarah was able to rise above our human propensity for selfishness by choosing the view of her life in eternity rather than the view of what was temporarily happening.  We cannot look at people from an earthly perspective.  We are to look beyond ourselves and our circumstances.  She gave us the amazing example of living for someone else and Paul put it into words this way, so that all those who live might live no longer to and for themselves.

We need to accept that we’ve married fallen sons of God, not angels and not saints; they are going to sin.  Sometimes that sin is going to spill into marriage … against a wife.  It’s not fair, but it’s going to happen.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer said it right, “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”

There will be adversity so Paul tells us consequently:  Your husband has received the same Saviour you have.  Your sin is not less than his, just different; but forgiven equally.  Consequently, view him from God’s point of view:  in progress.

01 QUOTES BLANK inset versesC

 

Rsignature

WIFE: the missing link

"She’s got gaps and I got gaps, between the two of us,our gaps meet and we sort of fill each other in." -Rocky Balboa, Rocky

Have you ever wondered why God didn’t use the same raw material and method to create Eve that He used for Adam?  I have.  He could have used the same dirt or a petal from a flower or a leaf from a tree.  Why from the man at all?  And what is so significant about the rib?

So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam; And while he slept, He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.

I wonder what that experience was like for Adam.

What is missing?

Imagine standing in your kitchen, in the middle of making thanksgiving dinner.  In a brief lull as you wait for the turkey drippings to reach boiling for gravy, you doze off in a daydream for a few seconds but when you snap out of it, all the spoons are missing, even the one in your hand!

That’s what happened to Adam.  God took something away from him.  The part that God took was not a spare part or an extra part, but an essential part; it made him autonomous.  The piece that enabled self-sufficiency in Adam, was now missing.  Let that marinade for a second:

Adam was created complete and self-sufficient; he needed nothing

but when he wakes from his nap

he now has a … gap.

Something has changed inside of him,

he is not self-sufficient anymore.

he has a lack.

Adam’s rib, more than just bone and marrow, is an essence.  The Amplified describes it as, a part of his side.  Not literally less a rib, because men and women have the same number of ribs, but something represented by a rib.

WHo & what wives are?

Dig a little deeper into this essence and what you find is power and strength.  God took power and strength out of Adam’s side (his rib) and used it to create another human.  This strength and power is both beautiful and dangerous.  Beautiful because it can propel a man to be his best.  Dangerous because it can cause a man to limp along in life or even stop him in his tracks; to literally cause him to halt.  That is some serious power.

Now the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Of all the English words to describe God’s intent for wives, helper meet is the weakest.  I struggle with the English translation because it casts the vision of a companion to remedy isolation or to fill a void of loneliness.  God said “alone” not “lonely.”

The word for wife [helper] is ezer.  It means power and strength; just like God is power and strength.  Interestingly, the word ezer is used many times in the Old Testament and it is almost exclusively in reference to God.  When you are at a loss or at the end of your rope, and you’ve got no one who is powerful enough to do the job … God Himself will be your EZER.  He is ESSENTIAL.

Dig even deeper under the strength and power and you find purpose:  To rescue, to save.  Not to save eternally, as God does, but in a human relational sense: to save the emotions.

In keeping with the fullest meaning of ezer, a more accurate interpretation of Genesis 2:18 might be:

I will make for him a power and strength that will rescue and save

How Wives Do It

In simplest terms wives receive, respond and reveal through reflection.

It makes perfect sense that God chose the power and strength from the man to create woman. He knew there was going to be some tension in marriage as two people become one flesh.  The woman needs to be a match for man’s strength and power, otherwise, she wouldn’t be an accurate reflection and she wouldn’t be strong enough.

The original word is, kenegdo.  It means parallel or opposite to  each other.  Think of a mirror.

In her book Captivating, Stasi Eldredge quotes Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, as saying, “…that this phrase [ezer kenegdo] is “notoriously difficult to translate.”  She goes on to say, “The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet.”  Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat … disappointing?” “

I’m with this Stasi on this.  When I hear “helper, companion, or help meet”, I think of a two-dimensional, compliant safe Stepford Wife, one that is a supplement to a husband; instead of a real woman like Sarah.  Ready to risk as she steps into the fray for Abraham.  Sarah, the essential.  The power and strength that would have been required for her to submit to Abraham’s requests to exchange her own safety for his just aren’t captured in the word “companion.”

Training Partners?

The Torah Study for Reform Jews defines an ezer kenegdo as a “helper against him.”  The tension between male and female is there by God’s design.  We are adversaries with a common goal:  we are against each other for the sharpening of each other, As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens [and influences] another [through discussion].(Proverbs 27:17)  But these well-sharpened blades are not to be used on each other, but FOR each other in the greatest battle against our common enemySatan.

Training from within to conquer together is played out every day in sporting teams.  I love sports metaphors and analogies because they transfer from the natural to the spiritual perfectly.  There isn’t a team sport out there that doesn’t practice against one another, as adversaries, to get stronger and to learn.

This is why God wants us bound in marriage.  The sharpening of each other, that is, the becoming of one flesh can be quite a ferocious battle.  We are both such powerful forces on our own … but together, wow!  When we stay together and fight together; back-to-back against Satan through God’s power … we are unconquerable.

Are you using that strength and power that God used to create you for your husband or against the marriage?

 

WHAT IS MARRIAGE AND WHY DO WE DO IT?

The Wedding

Do you ever think about your wedding day?  I think about mine.  Do you remember that morning when you woke up, I bet your heart wasn’t filled with doubts and second guessing, “Well, I guess it’s better than being alone.” Or, “I’ll give it my best shot … and see what happens.”  Like me, I bet your heart was full of hope for a great day and the expectation of a wonderful future with the man of your dreams!  I remember laying in bed that morning excitedly thinking, “Today, is the day!”
Generally, most of the weddings we attend, or hear about, unfold seamlessly.  The day is a blur of excitement starting with the ceremony itself leading to a great wrap-up party, the reception!  Lastly, the bride and groom are swept off to some exotic destination … just the two of them.  Life couldn’t get much sweeter!

The Honeymoon

During this beginning season the marriage holds such high hopes of promise.  Beginnings are like that.  In fact, we see the same delight at the inception of creation, everything is:  GOODx6 and a VERY GOOD marks the finale.  But then, within one and a half chapters into the story of humanity, something goes tragically wrong.  Adam and Eve free in the garden, lost in wonder and delight of all that was very good, had their eyes maliciously and irrevocably opened … and the first brick in the wall of separation was coolly placed between them.

The Marriage

It is the same pattern in our marriages, something … changes.  It happens ever so subtly.  Something has slowly crept in between the bride and groom that we didn’t expect and certainly didn’t plan for.  Somewhere between The Wedding and The Marriage, there has been a shift.
Isn’t it true that we wake up on our wedding day assured that we could conquer anything and that we’d grow old together?  But within a few short years we sense an UNsureness, we start to feel a little suspicious that our fairy tale wedding day isn’t delivering everything to our marriage that it promised.  Slowly our expectations are dashed one-by-one as reality is revealed, this slow creep causes the shift to become more prevalent and our marriage begins to get hard … along with our hearts, and it starts to show in our thoughts:  Why did I ever marry this personWhat was I thinkingMaybe they are the wrong person.

MISperception

I know it might sound silly but it never occurred to me that my marriage would be nothing like my wedding day.  In hindsight it became completely clear though, either no one told me or I failed to listen.  Either way reality proves the truth that the marriage and a wedding day are actually polar opposites!  A wedding day is so well planned that you might as well call it a script; everything falls into place perfectly and we work on that script for almost a year, sometimes longer!  Lots of hard work, planning and compromising with each other went into that script for that ONE day.
How did I miss that?  A marriage is not just going to magically happen when even a magical wedding day didn’t magically happen.  I think the knowledge is there for the learning, we just don’t believe the information applies to us when it says, “It could get ugly at some point, what’s your plan?”  Even though we read statistic after statistic that divorce rates have been climbing.  We can’t see past the euphoric pleasure of the present to comprehend any such conflict driving us apart.  And still, somewhere deep inside us we know it makes sense because marriage is the single most challenging adventure of all the earthly experiences.
Marriage is the most significant institution we will ever join and it is the relationship with the most consequential and far reaching effect in our lives.  Yet there are no courses on spousal selection and anyone can get a marriage license with zero training or preparation.  Sydney J. Harris captures the mindset perfectly, “Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves a great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.

Why Choose to Marry?

So … why do we get married?  It’s a question that begs self-examination.  Is it because of some innate fear of being alone?  Or is it because, it’s just what we do?  You know, you’re born, grow-up, go to school – fall in love and get married.
Fall in love.  There’s a phrase I find … curious.

Falling in Love?

It’s interesting, for a book that is full of love talk, I can’t seem to find anywhere that God speaks of falling in love.  Why do we say it that way?  It does have a romantic echo to the phrase, but it also has a sense of lack of responsibility, perhaps even commitment.  If the marriage gets too hard there is a pathway already prepared:  we can say that when we were falling in love, we fell for the wrong person.
We humans do that.  You can see it in Adam’s response to God when He was looking for accountability of Adam’s actions after eating the fruit.  Adam didn’t only try and shift the blame to Eve but also onto God Himself!  The woman YOU gave me did it.  And then with Eve, she tried to pass the buck too by saying that it was the snake’s fault.  It seems none of us want to take responsibility for our part, do we?
The most romantic description I’ve ever heard as to why people get married is from the movie, Shall We Dance, here’s the clip of the scene:

 

*SIGH*

Now, although that’s a beautiful sentiment and maybe even a worthy declaration, I don’t believe it’s entirely what God had in mind when He established marriage.

The First Marriage

The first marriage was an act of purpose.  The voice that spoke all life into existence then united a team.  It’s interesting that God didn’t create Adam and Eve at the same time.  He could’ve but instead He chose to create Adam in a vacuum.  This wasn’t a mistake.  He didn’t create Adam alone then realize, “Uh-oh, Adam is alone – I guess I didn’t think that one through, maybe one of the animals can keep him company.”
I think Adam was meant to experience his aloneness in the real time of watching the animals come and go in pairs as he named them.  God brought all the creatures to him, but … there was not be a suitable companion for him.” (Gen 2:19-20)  God could have just as easily told Adam that when he was done naming the animals that He would bring him someone special.  Someone just like him!  But God didn’t say anything.  Instead, He let a yearning grow inside of Adam; a yearning for his pairing.
Adam was meant to notice something special in Eve; something he needed.  And he did!  You can tell by his response to seeing her for the first time, “Finally!  Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!”  Or, in our present vernacular, “Finally!  Now SHE belongs with me!”
The both of them, were meant to see that they needed each other for the journey, that they had to depend on each other, lean on each other … not blame one another.

The Step From Bride to Wife

I think it’s significant that Eve was never a bride.  She was created as a wife.  We are brides for a single day, but we are wives for the life of the Marriage.  We can make make generalizations for the answer to the question, what is marriage?  And there are lots of different ideas, to be sure.  But in order to find out what your marriage means to you and why you got married?  Only you can answer that, because only you know the woman inside of you.  Only you know if she’s a bride or Wife.

 

 

 

Stop Talking (Part 2) OK, I’m quiet, now what do I do?

eleanor roosevelt - Copy

If you missed the first part – Stop Talking (Part 1): Thank you I don’t need your help, you can find it here.  In the first part I laid a foundation for why God asks us wives to be quiet from time to time.

~~~

I want to start Part 2 off with a visual exercise.  Let’s say your son brings home his future bride.  You’ve got super high-powered discernment and are able to clearly see the person of the hidden heart.  Which hidden person would you hope to see?

quiet - which one

 She’s one who’s going to emerge when the pressures on from daily living.

Now what?

Sister warriors, the part from 1 Peter 3:1‘not by discussion’ – isn’t about becoming the mute-in-the-marriage, as some would have you believe.  It’s about training to learn how to talk to your own husband, so that you’ll learn to speak the opposite of how the world has taught you to speak — so that your husband will WANT to listen to you.

The language God has chosen for us wives is the diametric opposite of the voice the world uses – we can see the difference by examining the contrast of:

  • Listening to His instruction only.
  • Observing other couples.  That’s right.  Observe the way other wives are speaking at their husbands.  Then observe the behaviour and countenance and demeanor of the husband.  Really examine the fruit.

When you stop talking, what happens?  You are able to discern.  Sights and sounds resonate with clarity.  Being quiet is about observing what is going on around you – in this case, in the relationship of marriage.  It’s not judging the people involved, just witnessing the interactions.

I briefly worked at The Home Depot, which gave me some up-close and personal observation opportunities.  It was telling (and sad) to see so many women rip their husbands a new one, tearing down their lack of ability and knowledge of the family finances… out in public, in front of the eyes and ears of others.  These wives lacked discretion, and it echoed through their voices.

While you are quiet and observant so that God can deal with your husband, He will also be teaching you something: discretion.  But not just any discretion – discretion as it relates to your own husband, who you believe is presently not obeying God’s Word.

We need to be effective tools in God’s hands for Him to use us to shape our husbands.  If you lack “the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information,”* your husband won’t listen to you, let alone seek your opinion.  He cannot trust you.

Also, it’s important that we don’t look like spiteful and ignorant women.  “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful face on an empty head.” –Proverbs 11:22

By stepping back, you can see a clear, thorough image of yourself.  You can ask God: “What kind of wife am I? What do I look like … to You? God, let me see myself.”

What do I see?

In Proverbs, God says it’s the midyan wife that’s a problem; she is the one to whom He’s saying this.  Our English translations have used a number of different words that can capture her quality(s):

  • Contentious: She’s given to starting arguments – with her husband.
  • Brawling: She’s rough or noisy in fights – with her husband.
  • Nagging: She’s constantly harassing out of fear – her husband.
  • Scolding: She angrily rebukes and reprimands – her husband.
  • Discord: She causes disharmony – with her husband.
  • Disagreeable: She is unfriendly and bad tempered – with her husband.
  • Strife: She’s bitter in disagreement over fundamental issues – with her husband.
  • Quarrelsome: Her temperament is characterized by quarreling – with her husband.

ewww, and unfortunately, there’s more … some wives can get even worse.

In Proverbs 21, we have the wife that takes the cake.  She gets the word midyan and the word ka’as, which means: She’s angry, grief causing, and full of indignation, provocation, spite, wrath and vexation.

Of course husbands could have these traits too, but God’s not speaking about them, is He?  All of these character traits have to do with talking, and it’s women who love to talk… A LOT.  But if you are a midyan wife, God is saying that your husband is better off in the heat of a desert, possibly dying of thirst or starvation … alone.  It is better to dwell in a desert land than with a midyan and ka’as woman. –Proverbs 21:19

Wow, that’s pretty bad. I was pretty bad.  But I couldn’t get it until God got a hold of me and I shut my mouth long enough to see it.

 Talk, talk, talk – STOP!! … just for now

We women burst at the seams to talk.  We always have something to say about everything — especially the behaviours of our husbands.  And because we are such powerful creatures, our talk is amplified.

“New research indicates there’s a biological reason why women talk so much more than men: 20,000 words a day spoken by the average woman, according to one study, versus about 7,000 words a day for the average man.”**

Now take a ton of words, lots of emotion and power, and throw in a pinch of the all-knowing deified-diva, and we’re off to the races, driving our husbands off the couch and out to the garage, or even further way … out to the desert land.

What’s a girl to do?

It’s not that God wants our ‘gift of gab’ to be lost.  He wouldn’t purposely design us this way and then tell us, “Don’t talk.”  He simply wants to renew our minds so that we can talk correctly – His way.  Once we get a good look at ourselves, we can quickly unlearn the wrong way, but it can’t happen if we don’t step out in courage and ask God to show us what we really look like.

No one knows the heart of your husband like God does, right?  God knows what your husband’s doing, how he’s doing it, and why he does it.  As you stand down, your focus will shift from your husband’s behavior back to God’s grace, and he will feel the pressure release as he’s taken out from beneath your magnifying glass.  This is when he hears from God: as he relaxes.

I remember thinking that if I didn’t keep telling my husband, he would think that I agreed with and condoned what he was doing.  The funny thing is, though, that God never says anything like that.  He simply says that He doesn’t need my will or my intervention.  God said, “You don’t have to agree with Darrell, just stop reminding him that you don’t.  He already knows it.”

Step back to go forward

You can’t demand that your husband listen to you.  You don’t power your way into his face and space so that he’s forced to hear to you, because he’s not going to.  Men don’t respond to verbal force by listening and obeying – they respond to force with force.  They tighten up, circle the wagons, hunker down, and dig in.  God KNOWS this is how a husband will respond, because He’s the One that wired him to do exactly that – with all the testosterone!  And that’s why He tells wives, not by discussion.

What God is really asking wives to do is disengage from this particular battle, so that He can step in.  With me constantly engaging my husband in a battle of wills over one particular issue, Darrell was so busy fighting against me that God couldn’t get his attention – I was in the way.

Can God force His way between you and your husband?  Yes, but He won’t, not when He’s already invited you to step back and work co-operatively with Him.

The midyan wife will always have zero influence in her husband’s life.  But a wife who knows when and how to talk, will have a powerful influence on her husband’s life.

 

 

 

 

 

*discretion:  wordhippo.com

**Today Health.com