Excellent Wife

My Husband’s Heart

… this world is passing away. ~1 Corinthians 7:31

If we get too caught up in the present world it’s easy to forget that even though we’re married, our husband’s hearts are merely on loan to us.  Both roles in marriage were created as temporary means specifically for earth. That means being a wife is not my end game.1

God gave me My husband’s heart in trust, not to own but to briefly hold. Even though I’m one flesh with him through marriage, God still owns his heart and knows best how to remake His creation.

The Invitation

God has invited me to witness as He changes and reshapes this man through our marriage.  Like the best cardiologist ever, God’s not inviting me into the operation to muck about with what I think needs to be changed – He’s not inviting me to take over the procedure, nor apprenticing me to do His job.

Instead, God’s invited me to help Him, through my role as a wife to one of His sons.  To be present and patient as my husband learns to live out of his renewed mind and heart.  It takes practice to walk out of the flesh with the Spirit on new legs of faith, so there will be trips and falls. My role is to help him through his recovery.

It’s a pretty cool thing to be a part of. God doesn’t need my help any more than He needed Ezekiel’s help with the vision of the dry bones.2  Instead of just telling Ezekiel about the prophecy like He did with so many others, He brought Ezekiel alongside to be a part of it – it was an invitation.  And God has invited me too; He’s invited me to witness His work.

Two Real Realities

We live in a world that we’re just passing through – we don’t belong here, and we won’t be here long.

Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them.  For this world as we know it will soon pass away. ~1 Corinthians 7:31

Sometimes, living in this present place makes it feel like our current experience is more real than our future destination.  When in fact, both are real…it’s just that one of them…is going to last much longer…than the other.  I know it sounds almost too sci-fi, but we really do have permanent residence in the alternate reality.3

Moving From Past To Future

Look back on a disaster or trial that happened ten years ago … five years ago … 6 months ago.  They don’t last.  When we consider the passage of time, our perspective can change about our current situation.

God never denies that life can get hard sometimes and He never says that marriage is going to be easy or effortless all the time!  But when our present reality seems too hard, He’s given us an aim for our focus:  The Future.  Instead of looking at the current, visible problems (allegedly) stemming from (only) your husband, look at what you can’t yet see: his healed heart.

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:17-18

As your husband’s wife, God has graciously chosen you to experience the greatest miracle that He’s going to do in this man – change his heart.  But you only get to witness your husband’s heart made whole by trusting God and waiting for Him to do it.

SOUL-utions

Don’t misconstrue your invitation to be a wife as an appointment to be the change agent in your husband; that’s the job of the Holy Spirit.

Do speak gratitude for what God has already done instead of complaining about what’s lacking – the parts that He is still working on.

 

 


NOTES:

  1.  Matthew 22:29-30
  2. Ezekiel 37
  3. Hebrews 11:13-17; 1 Peter 1:17; 1 Peter 2:11; Philippians 3:20-21

ARE YOU A DISTRACTED WIFE?

We often hear that going with the flow’s a good idea, and lots of times it is—unless that flow takes us in a bad direction.  I don’t know a wife that consciously says, “Today, I’m going to be distracted from my husband.  Today, I’m going to disconnect on purpose.”

I think stagnation is one of the deadliest precursors to distraction and disconnection.  Marriage isn’t static.  You could even say, it’s kind of like a living organism—it either moves in a positive direction towards growth and life, or it stops moving, stagnating through a kind of status quo into death.  Stagnation is very subtle, it’s almost imperceptible so it requires a vigilant heart.

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. – Proverbs 4:23

I think these might be some things we need to guard against.

Help or Hindrance

You’re only seeing faults.  You’ve moved away from the helper and harmonizer that you started out as, and you’ve begun the change into a hindrance.  Focusing on your husband’s faults is like viewing him through a wide angle lense … you’ll just find more faults.  Eventually, they’ll crowd out anything good he was, is, does or could be.  I think God calls us to be an example of harmony.

It’s helpful to focus on your husband’s strengths.  The more space they take up, the less room for weaknesses.

Bad to Worse

Assuming anything less than his best.  When you feel a doubt of good intentions creeping into your mind, you owe it to God, to your husband and to yourself, to cut it off at the pass before you plunge into mind-suck.  Mind-suck is that emotional spiral that’s driven downward by anything your man has done ‘wrong’, that you’ve failed to let go of.  These emotions and thoughts transfer into your eyes, attitudes and words.  Assume his best:  Give doubt the benefit.  This not only keeps unity in tact but is love made active.

Write down your doubt, put it in a box and symbolically leave it with God—after all He already knows what it is and how He’s going to fix it.

A Personal Touch

You’re not reaching out as much.  Whether his love language is touch or not, it’s needed for all of us.  Initiating touch isn’t about making up after a fight, condoning sin (real or imagined), or an admission of guilt. It’s not about who goes first, or anything else.  It’s merely an acknowledgement of humanity.  Some of us need more than others, some of us need less.  Some of us want more but struggle to reach out for it.  God knew that we needed a personal touch and sent us a savior to do it.  Even though Jesus knew what we were like, He came to earth anyway — He touches each of us exactly as we are.

Don’t wait until everything’s perfect between you, or for someone else to go first, adopt the Nike slogan and just do it.

He’s a Guy

… and you’re a girl.  Shocker—I know.  Think of your marriage like it’s a box of crayons.  For ease, (but hopefully not too cliché) let’s say you’ve got all the warm colours and he’s got all the cool colours.  Sometimes you need pink, sometimes you need blue.  And then there are times when purple is necessary and it requires both of you.  Purple doesn’t become purple, because blue emasculates itself to keep pink happy.  The fact that men and women are so different, it’s amazing that we’ve got anything in common!  Instead, bring all your female—and let your man bring his own masculinity.

Don’t just tolerate the gender differences, embrace them!   It was God who put them there in the beginning—let Him make it work.

Unreal Expectations

Comparisons are the kiss-of-death.  When we were first married, my husband hadn’t accumulated the abundant abilities that he now possesses after 30 years of marriage (insert bragging privilege:  he can now troubleshoot and fix just about anything electrical, technical or mechanical … and relational).  Anyway, I was complaining to my mom that we had gotten into this big fight because he wouldn’t just let “Dad” look at our car.  I went on, “It’s frustrating because …”  And she cut me off with a chastisement fit for a toddler, which is how I was acting.  “Robyn-Anne!” I knew I was wrong because she used my middle name.  “Your father has been working on cars, tractors, lawnmowers, furnaces, equipment et al, for years.  He’s been exposed to all this through raising a family and his career.”  She shook her head, “You can’t compare your father’s ending to your husband’s beginning.  That’s an unreal expectation on your husband.”

Keep your expectations a little lower than your gratitude, and you’ll see the real man emerge on God’s time.  Your vision is limited at best, only God sees the finale.

* * *

Be all in.  Understand that you are literally one flesh with your husband.  That means when your husband has trouble … you’ll experience it by association.  When Satan wants to come after you—he’s going to coming through your husband.  Don’t give up doing good just because you’re encountering some rough terrain.  You started this race together—you have no idea what blessings lay just beyond … out of sight.

And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint. – Galatians 6:9

We’ll always have to beware of disconnection; it isn’t something we can conquer and be done with, like an event that’s marked by start and finish with a certificate of accomplishment.  As much as a Certificate of Marriage appears like the achievement of an event, the wedding day—in truth, it’s the date that marks the beginning of the process of staying connected.

Any investment of good you give your marriage will always advance it in the right direction.

Thoughts are the compass of your life

 For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. As one who reckons, he says to you, eat and drink, yet his heart is not with you [but is grudging the cost]. ~Proverbs 23:7

Just like the selfish person progressed in the direction of their thought pattern, we also will move in the direction of our own thoughts.  Happy thoughts progress towards better and miserable towards worse.

Fearless Wife

This poem is dedicated to all you brave women – you fearless wives.  You chose to put your husband and family first ahead of your career, thereby serving them instead of yourself.  You chose to truly have it all by ordering your life in the sequence of marriage and family first, then career in the latter part.

You know who are and the cost of your sacrifice.  Thank you for your inspiration.

Fearless Wife

A real fearless girl am I, listen to my ROAR,

Away from my husband I’ll never be tore.

The thought of that, I simply abhor.

A victim mind I’ll never be,

No matter what the critics say to me.

On this I know, we’ll never agree.

 

Truly fearless became my heart,

When I married my forever counter-part.

Home’s, truly powerful sweetheart.

The more wholly feminine I am,

A bigger bite out of the enemy’s plan.

To increase the breadth of, his career wingspan.

 

Excellent skill gives respite to refresh,

Grows iron thighs of masculine flesh.

To bear, the more on my Suresh.

Prosperity and strength success to symbolize,

Guarding till he returns with our prize.

His kept await in anticipation, his allies.

 

Fearless wife lacks victim’s gene,

And never divides the homeward team.

Nor forfeits her position of ruling queen.