After reading PART 1, Ephesians 5:21 – The Muck-up, it’s obvious that we (Darrell & Robyn) aren’t fans of the egalitarian paradigm, it almost killed the both of us and our marriage. In retrospect, we found it to be nothing more than a mechanism to negotiate a tally count of 50/50 – a way to gauge perceived equality and fairness.
The egalitarian paradigm appears to equalize power under the guise of sharing it. But what it does instead is, systematically neutralize the power found in the role of a wife* – her femininity, by:
- FEEDING HER FLESH: It requires that we watch each other for fair treatment. All of us have a battle between the flesh and the spirit that rages inside of us; the flesh demands equality for self, the spirit demands equality for others. You could be right. You might even be right, but your man won’t hear it** from you, he’s been instructed to remove your spots and wrinkles – the church doesn’t wash Christ, He washes her. (Ephesians 5:25-27)
- KEEPING HER FEARFUL: At the very least it’s immature faith – it’s childishness to believe we know what’s best instead of just exercising a little humility and acknowledging that we’ll probably be the ones to be deceived. At most, it demeans your husband, it’s foolish to seek to govern over him the way you would a toddler – as if you’re training him (1 Tim 2:13-14). At worst, it’s seeking to control even God because you don’t trust Him to work it out.
- LOCKING HER INTO PROVISIONAL GIVING: Keeping an eye for equality and fairness chips away at true generosity and kindness – it’ll be impossible for either of you to just to receive and enjoy the gift. Generally, women are the more detail oriented of the two genders, that mental tracking and measuring spills over onto everything including every act of generosity and kindness, forcing suspicion with unspoken conditional strings. Giving becomes restricted to depend on how your husband gives. Instead of becoming more Christlike and living from the Spirit (1 Cor 13:7), you become more human-like – living from your flesh.
We’re still on earth – not in heaven
Trying to create utopia through equality on earth, thinking this foundation of marriage will set the stage for happiness is a recipe for disillusionment and disaster. When it comes to humans, the world is a broken place, there’s widespread unfairness, inequality, and injustice. We did that, not God. We broke each other and the world when we stepped out of God’s hierarchy trying to make it better by our own methods (Gen 3:6-7). Finding fair reciprocity in any relationship on earth is difficult, still, we strive for it. (Rom 12:16-21)
But it’s not going to happen in marriage, you can’t reciprocate with someone you are connected to. One flesh means connected – marriage is two becoming one, it’s synergy. … not tit-for-tat. Think: three-legged race – there’s not 4 legs anymore, but 3 … two of the legs have become one.
However, that doesn’t mean there’s still not a natural world full of designed order that we can see. Nature follows its design – a dandelion will always produce more dandelions. The environment follows its design – the moon will always control the tide. Even though these systems are complex they’re also clear and concise. They are not equal, they follow a design of strategy created for a purpose – just like humans. We were also created for a purpose, and it’s not earthly living. We were created to live in the eternal: in heaven.
With the focus on equalizing the gender roles, the egalitarian paradigm lends itself to a lot of comparing of who’s doing what in the roles of husband and wife, all in the name of fairness – even though we’re told not to compare ourselves to anyone except Christ (Gal 6:4). In order to make sure that the 50/50 of no one being ‘in charge’ is maintained, the watchful eye of equality usurps Christ’s position as King of the marriage.
However, with a complementarian view, it’s about God, me and the role of wife that I willingly accepted the day I got married. It’s not reciprocation – I don’t get to blame him and say, when he’s a better husband, I’ll be a better wife. In her book, The Power of a Praying Wife, Stormie Omartian, relays how she tried to get God’s attention off herself and onto her husband by praying, God, look at him! Look what he’s doing! Just look at how he treats me! And God kept saying back to her, Stormie, look at yourself. Look at what you are doing. Just look at how you treat him. (If you’ve not read the book, you should. If you’ve read it, you know I was paraphrasing to make a point.)
Pleasing God in my role as a wife while I’m here on earth, has nothing to do with how my man fulfills his role of husband. This technique of blame was already eliminated by Adam, he tried to pawn off his behavior by making God the excuse! Eve also tried to excuse her choice by blaming Satan:
The man said,
“The woman whom YOU gave to be with me, SHE gave me the fruit, and I ate.”
The woman said,
“The SERPENT outwitted and deceived me, and I ate.”
… God didn’t accept excuses from them – and He won’t accept them from us.
My role, his role … God does the growing
It was through complementarianism that we each began to thrive in our own rite: me as a wife through respect and submission and Darrell as a husband through leadership and love. The more we follow the complementarian paradigm the better spouses we become. The better each one of us gets at our own roles – not concerning ourselves with what the other is doing wrong – the stronger God makes our marriage. I’m not responsible for making our marriage better; Darrell is not responsible for making our marriage better – God does the growing:
I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth. So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth. (1 Cor 3:6-7)
-A marriage license isn’t permission to poke around inside my husband’s heart and mind to change what I think needs to change. It’s a visible invitation from God to stand by in support as God removes his spots and wrinkles. Trust Him.
-Fighting for the scraps of masculine power from the table of worldly women, just changes you into a Red-eyed Ood.*** Accept that the design of a female is already endowed with super-abundant power from God – He created you in it when you were conceived. You’re not a victim, know it.
wife* – It also eliminates the real power from the husband as well but I’m not writing to husbands.
won’t hear it** – An invited opinion isn’t the same as unsolicited harping.
Red-eyed Ood*** – In Fandom, Red-eye was originally thought to be a disease found amongst enslaved Ood on their homeworld of the Ood Sphere. Its symptoms were bright red eyes, rabid temperament and anti-human sentiment.
(now you all know I’m a Doctor Who fan) 🙂