Do you ever think about your wedding day? I think about mine. Do you remember that morning when you woke up, I bet your heart wasn’t filled with doubts and second guessing, “Well, I guess it’s better than being alone.” Or, “I’ll give it my best shot … and see what happens.” Like me, I bet your heart was full of hope for a great day and the expectation of a wonderful future with the man of your dreams! I remember laying in bed that morning excitedly thinking, “Today, is the day!”
Generally, most of the weddings we attend, or hear about, unfold seamlessly. The day is a blur of excitement starting with the ceremony itself leading to a great wrap-up party, the reception! Lastly, the bride and groom are swept off to some exotic destination … just the two of them. Life couldn’t get much sweeter!
During this beginning season the marriage holds such high hopes of promise. Beginnings are like that. In fact, we see the same delight at the inception of creation, everything is: GOODx6 and a VERY GOOD marks the finale. But then, within one and a half chapters into the story of humanity, something goes tragically wrong. Adam and Eve free in the garden, lost in wonder and delight of all that was very good, had their eyes maliciously and irrevocably opened … and the first brick in the wall of separation was coolly placed between them.
It is the same pattern in our marriages, something … changes. It happens ever so subtly. Something has slowly crept in between the bride and groom that we didn’t expect and certainly didn’t plan for. Somewhere between The Wedding and The Marriage, there has been a shift.
Isn’t it true that we wake up on our wedding day assured that we could conquer anything and that we’d grow old together? But within a few short years we sense an UNsureness, we start to feel a little suspicious that our fairy tale wedding day isn’t delivering everything to our marriage that it promised. Slowly our expectations are dashed one-by-one as reality is revealed, this slow creep causes the shift to become more prevalent and our marriage begins to get hard … along with our hearts, and it starts to show in our thoughts: Why did I ever marry this person? What was I thinking? Maybe they are the wrong person.
I know it might sound silly but it never occurred to me that my marriage would be nothing like my wedding day. In hindsight it became completely clear though, either no one told me or I failed to listen. Either way reality proves the truth that the marriage and a wedding day are actually polar opposites! A wedding day is so well planned that you might as well call it a script; everything falls into place perfectly and we work on that script for almost a year, sometimes longer! Lots of hard work, planning and compromising with each other went into that script for that ONE day.
How did I miss that? A marriage is not just going to magically happen when even a magical wedding day didn’t magically happen. I think the knowledge is there for the learning, we just don’t believe the information applies to us when it says, “It could get ugly at some point, what’s your plan?” Even though we read statistic after statistic that divorce rates have been climbing. We can’t see past the euphoric pleasure of the present to comprehend any such conflict driving us apart. And still, somewhere deep inside us we know it makes sense because marriage is the single most challenging adventure of all the earthly experiences.
Marriage is the most significant institution we will ever join and it is the relationship with the most consequential and far reaching effect in our lives. Yet there are no courses on spousal selection and anyone can get a marriage license with zero training or preparation. Sydney J. Harris captures the mindset perfectly, “Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves a great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.”
Why Choose to Marry?
So … why do we get married? It’s a question that begs self-examination. Is it because of some innate fear of being alone? Or is it because, it’s just what we do? You know, you’re born, grow-up, go to school – fall in love and get married.
Fall in love. There’s a phrase I find … curious.
Falling in Love?
It’s interesting, for a book that is full of love talk, I can’t seem to find anywhere that God speaks of falling in love. Why do we say it that way? It does have a romantic echo to the phrase, but it also has a sense of lack of responsibility, perhaps even commitment. If the marriage gets too hard there is a pathway already prepared: we can say that when we were falling in love, we fell for the wrong person.
We humans do that. You can see it in Adam’s response to God when He was looking for accountability of Adam’s actions after eating the fruit. Adam didn’t only try and shift the blame to Eve but also onto God Himself! The woman YOU gave me did it. And then with Eve, she tried to pass the buck too by saying that it was the snake’s fault. It seems none of us want to take responsibility for our part, do we?
The most romantic description I’ve ever heard as to why people get married is from the movie, Shall We Dance, here’s the clip of the scene:
Now, although that’s a beautiful sentiment and maybe even a worthy declaration, I don’t believe it’s entirely what God had in mind when He established marriage.
The First Marriage
The first marriage was an act of purpose. The voice that spoke all life into existence then united a team. It’s interesting that God didn’t create Adam and Eve at the same time. He could’ve but instead He chose to create Adam in a vacuum. This wasn’t a mistake. He didn’t create Adam alone then realize, “Uh-oh, Adam is alone – I guess I didn’t think that one through, maybe one of the animals can keep him company.”
I think Adam was meant to experience his aloneness in the real time of watching the animals come and go in pairs as he named them. God brought all the creatures to him, but … there was not be a suitable companion for him.” (Gen 2:19-20) God could have just as easily told Adam that when he was done naming the animals that He would bring him someone special. Someone just like him! But God didn’t say anything. Instead, He let a yearning grow inside of Adam; a yearning for his pairing.
Adam was meant to notice something special in Eve; something he needed. And he did! You can tell by his response to seeing her for the first time, “Finally! Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!” Or, in our present vernacular, “Finally! Now SHE belongs with me!”
The both of them, were meant to see that they needed each other for the journey, that they had to depend on each other, lean on each other … not blame one another.
The Step From Bride to Wife
I think it’s significant that Eve was never a bride. She was created as a wife. We are brides for a single day, but we are wives for the life of the Marriage. We can make make generalizations for the answer to the question, what is marriage? And there are lots of different ideas, to be sure. But in order to find out what your marriage means to you and why you got married? Only you can answer that, because only you know the woman inside of you. Only you know if she’s a bride or Wife.