I married the “wrong” person

Over at Marriage Gems, Lori has been writing an interesting series that started with her post, We all Married the Wrong Person.  I am really enjoying reading her perspective on this subject.

I touched briefly on this subject back in July in my post titled, Did I Marry the Wrong Guy.

Lori’s most recent posts got me to thinking about focus and phraseology, and the lament of those seeking to be free of ‘unhappy’ marriages — I married the wrong person.

Why is it phrased that the other person is the … wrong person.  Is it, perhaps because it shows the perspective of where the blame is sought to be directed.  This is a small observation and somewhat quizzical; yet, very telling.

I’ll use my own marriage as the example.  If Darrell and I are hitting that sweet spot in our marriage less and less as the years go by, I could naturally conclude, “I think I married the wrong person.”   By process of elimination that makes me the right person.

Merely semantics?   I’m not so sure.  Isn’t the spouse that is seeking to exit the marriage the one that finds the other spouse to be, the wrong one?  If a wife is so sure that her marriage isn’t working because her husband is the wrong one, (the one at fault) doesn’t that mean that her scrutiny finds him to be the one with the problems (aka – all the sin)?  While simultaneously viewing herself as problemless (aka – no sin, or very little).

I’m sure Captain Hook from Peter Pan would even find this to be, bad form.

And Hook is right.  It’s an unbalanced assessment.  It is because of a wife’s strength in an area that she can see the weakness of her husband.  What she’s actually doing is comparing weakness to strength.  In order for it to be fair, about whether a person is the wrong one or not, we need to compare weakness with weakness and strength to strength.  Then we will be able to see things a little more clearly; more fairly.

Equal comparison will force me to take my high powered precision focus and center it back where it belongs, on my own weaknesses.  This will help change the negative question that seeks to destroy my marriage, to a positive affirmation of empowerment:

From:  Did I marry the wrong person?

To:  Lord, help me to be the right person.

We must learn to regard people

less in light of what they do or omit to do;

and more in the light of what they suffer.

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer ~



  1. Excellent perspective. I’ve also been following the “wrong person” series. I never thought about turning the subject around on myself, but I definitely will now. I’m always touting the virtues of improving oneself in order to improve your marriage, but this twist kind of evaded me. Thank you for reminding me to look inward and see whether I am the right guy for her.


    1. Hi Thomas, welcome and thanks for stopping by!

      After many years of seeing Darrell as the problem, the “wrong” one, I was humbled (which was very, very hard because he was unsaved at the time) to learn that him being the “wrong” one was no different than me being the “wrong” one. I had to stop blaming him for all of the problems; grow up and assume my own part.

      I stopped by your blog at genuinehusband.com — I like it, nice job brother!

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