Myth of the white arrow

Lots of us have heard or seen this triangle illustration for marriage:

It’s an image of how marriage  should be lived.  It’s clear and concise; unfettered by the realities of life.  The arrows portray simplicity of how each of the relationships work:  The white arrow expresses unity of the relationship between a husband and wife; the black arrows show that each spouse is growing closer to God, at the same rate.  Fitting for the wedding day perhaps, when life is still utopian.

 Nice picture on a flat page.  Not based in truth or reality.  Offers no practicalities.

This image leaves out one important factor:  Sin.

The Black Arrow

God is after relationship and He wants us to be like Him; as perfect as we can be, as created beings.  This takes practice and our relationships are the arena.  But to see a relationship with God as separate and distinct; in a vacuum detached from others (as the triangle above illustrates), is the part that just isn’t helpful.

Let’s face it, to be in relationship with God is easy.   It’s easy to want to grow closer to Him, isn’t it?  There is absolutely no work on our part.  He’s always there for us and never lets us down.  It doesn’t matter what sin we commit, what mistake we make.

 He always offers unlimited love and unsurpassed mercy and grace

We humans  … not so much

Look at what He brings to the relationship through His Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (just to name a few).  And what do we bring to game day?  Nothing.  Seems like a one sided relationship.

The Myth

This is where the black arrows fool us.  If I base my relationship with God on this black arrow that travels between me and Him, it’s not accurate; it makes me only a taker which is unbalanced.  I don’t get to say how much I love God by taking all that He offers, while the relationship with my husband demonstrates anything less than love to that of a brother.  Jesus said it cannot be one without the other.

 To love God includes loving people.

The only way this marriage triangle works is when I grow in what God brought to my relationship with Him:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

God states that He loved us first and that makes it possible for us to love Him.  Loving my brother is how I return God’s love to Him:

It starts with God

Flows through me to my husband

And ends with God

There is no white arrow

Same God = Same Grace

Hideous sickness is not just on the flesh.  I would venture to say that the most putrefying sores are found within us … in our hearts.

A rotting heart is proved in me when I see my own condition as cleaner than that of my husband; or not as deadly as his.  And when I am too blind to the fact that I am also infected by the same virus and can’t see that my symptoms are just different than his.

 “Oh Lord, let me forgive those who sin differently than I do.”

~Steven Covey~

Should I run from my husband’s illness because his problems interfere with my life?  Should I run from my marriage because his choices directly affect me for better and for worse?  Should I run from my commitments because things have changed and he makes my life, at certain seasons, difficult and even painful?

Or, would my own healing be found in a mental shift; a paradigm shift.  What makes me think that God is giving me the right to be the one who gets to throw the first stone?

Shouldn’t we wait patiently, while the Lord works to heal illness in a brother … just like God is patient while Jesus heals us?

Or is there more grace for me than for my brother?

what is this thing called marriage (part 2)

Marriage is the single most challenging adventure of all the earthly experiences.  It is the most significant institution we will ever join.  And it is the relationship with the most consequential and far reaching effects in our lives.  Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse.  There is no graduate department in spouse selection studies.  Institutions of higher learning devote more resources to semiotics than love.  Yet anyone can get a marriage license with zero training or preparation.  Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.

So… why do we get married?

Is it because of some innate fear of not wanting to be alone?  Or is it because, its just what’s always been done; you know, your born and you grow up, go to school, fall in love, then get married and have kids.

You know, its interesting.  I cannot find anywhere in the Bible where God speaks of falling in love.  And yet the Bible is full of love talk isn’t it?  Why do we say, I fell in love.  The word itself, falling … has a sense of non-ownership of responsibility and commitment.  If the marriage goes ugly you can always convince yourself that while you were falling in love, you fell for the wrong person.  We humans do that.  Right from the beginning of our history, in the garden, when God looked to Adam for culpability of his actions.  Adam blamed God and Eve, The woman YOU gave me did it.  And then with Eve, she tried to pass the buck too, by saying it was the snakes fault.  It seems none of us want to take responsibility for our actions do we.

The best description I’ve ever heard as to why people get married is from the movie, Shall We Dance, “we need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet.  I mean, what does any one life really mean?  But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things .. All of it, all the time, every day.  You’re saying, ‘your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’ “  And although that might be a beautiful sentiment and a worthy declaration, I don’t believe that is entirely what God had in mind when He established marriage.

When the first marriage was officiated in Eden, it was an act of purpose.  There was a reason for it.  The voice that breathed all life into existence now united a team.  It is interesting to note that God could have created Adam and Eve at the same time, but He didn’t.  He chose to create man to be alone.  God doesn’t say, “uh-oh, Adam is alone — didn’t see that one coming, I thought for sure one of these other creatures would suffice.”  No, there was a reason for Adam being created alone, in a vacuum of sorts.  God is omniscient, He knew that when He brought all the creatures to Adam, “to see what he would call them … that there would not be a suitable companion for him.”  (Gen 2:19-20)  God could have just as easily told Adam the reason, but He didn’t.  He wanted Adam to go through the motions, in real time, to experience this aloneness for himself.  And we can see that Adam did experience this because of his response to Eve when he meets her, he declares, “Finally!  Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh!”  There was a sense of assuredness in his tone.  I think it would be like being alone in a foreign land where you don’t know the language, and no one knows yours.  And then!  After a long period of aloneness, you finally meet someone who knows English.  Finally!! Now here is someone I can talk to!

They were supposed to see that they needed each other, that they had to depend on each other … not blame each other.

~ Holding fast … ON PURPOSE ~

~When we first meet our future husbands, we usually have that ah ha moment, finally!  This IS the guy!

 Don’t look at what happened yesterday or anything else that’s negative that’s happened between the two of you …

 …just reminise about that very first time you KNEW~

~Do you remember your promise to him?

And your vow to HIM?

Copy out your wedding vows and ask God to renew your heart about the promises that you spoke~