I married the “wrong” person

Over at Marriage Gems, Lori has been writing an interesting series that started with her post, We all Married the Wrong Person.  I am really enjoying reading her perspective on this subject.

I touched briefly on this subject back in July in my post titled, Did I Marry the Wrong Guy.

Lori’s most recent posts got me to thinking about focus and phraseology, and the lament of those seeking to be free of ‘unhappy’ marriages — I married the wrong person.

Why is it phrased that the other person is the … wrong person.  Is it, perhaps because it shows the perspective of where the blame is sought to be directed.  This is a small observation and somewhat quizzical; yet, very telling.

I’ll use my own marriage as the example.  If Darrell and I are hitting that sweet spot in our marriage less and less as the years go by, I could naturally conclude, “I think I married the wrong person.”   By process of elimination that makes me the right person.

Merely semantics?   I’m not so sure.  Isn’t the spouse that is seeking to exit the marriage the one that finds the other spouse to be, the wrong one?  If a wife is so sure that her marriage isn’t working because her husband is the wrong one, (the one at fault) doesn’t that mean that her scrutiny finds him to be the one with the problems (aka – all the sin)?  While simultaneously viewing herself as problemless (aka – no sin, or very little).

I’m sure Captain Hook from Peter Pan would even find this to be, bad form.

And Hook is right.  It’s an unbalanced assessment.  It is because of a wife’s strength in an area that she can see the weakness of her husband.  What she’s actually doing is comparing weakness to strength.  In order for it to be fair, about whether a person is the wrong one or not, we need to compare weakness with weakness and strength to strength.  Then we will be able to see things a little more clearly; more fairly.

Equal comparison will force me to take my high powered precision focus and center it back where it belongs, on my own weaknesses.  This will help change the negative question that seeks to destroy my marriage, to a positive affirmation of empowerment:

From:  Did I marry the wrong person?

To:  Lord, help me to be the right person.

We must learn to regard people

less in light of what they do or omit to do;

and more in the light of what they suffer.

~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer ~

Boxes

What outlook do you have on your husband, where is your point of reference for him?

Do you see him as a:

 Brother

Neighbour

Another

The world

An enemy

Or

Is he ‘floated’ from box to box by your emotions, depending on his behaviour?

God has an answer for each of these box placements,

 interestingly He never mentions emotions or behaviours

An Enemy

But I tell you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Matt 5:43

 

The World

 John 3:17

For God did not send the Son into the world in order to judge

(to reject, to condemn, to pass sentence on) the world,

 but that the world might find salvation and be made safe and sound through Him.

One Another

Rom 12:16

Live in harmony with one another;

do not be haughty (snobbish, high-minded, exclusive),

but readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks.

Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own conceits.

Neighbour

Gal 5:14

For the whole Law [concerning human relationships]

is complied with in the one precept,

You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself.

 Brother

1 John 3:16

By this we come to know

 (progressively to recognize, to perceive, to understand)

the [essential] love:

that He laid down His [own] life for us;

and we ought to lay [our] lives down for [those who are our] brothers [in Him].

I am  thankful that God doesn’t float me from box to box depending on my behaviour(s); but always keeps me in His ‘daughter’ box.

… help us to do likewise for our husbands.