Intentions Don’t Count ’til “GO”

“It’s the thought that counts!”

Is it?  Really?

• I thought of getting you a card for your birthday.
• I thought of having sex with you.
• I thought of making supper for you.
• I thought of buying you a coffee.
• I thought of giving you a kiss.

When I think of an action and don’t follow through it leaves me feeling kind of hallow.  Also, left undone, intentions can ring of empty lip service as well as being contra to what James says:  Faith without works is dead. (2:17)  We deceive ourselves when we think that our good intentions are enough.

We easily understand this principle in the statement:  “I thought of allowing Christ to rule in my life.”  Yet if we only have the intention – well, we know what the result it is.

Just because I have the knowledge, of what God says, doesn’t mean I get the reward – the runner’s prize that we are encouraged to chase:  Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but [only] one receives the prize?  So run [your race] that you may lay hold [of the prize] and make it yours.  Now every athlete who goes into training conducts himself temperately and restricts himself in all things.  They do it to win a wreath that will soon wither, but we [do it to receive a crown of eternal blessedness] that cannot wither. (1 Cor 9:24-25) 

The accumulation of Biblical knowledge without practical application isn’t where revelation is found.  Simply reading 1 Corinthians 9 doesn’t mean that I am actually doing the work of training for a race.

It’s in the follow through that the proof is found.  I can study, learn and memorize all about love from 1 Corinthians 13 where I’m told to bear up, believe the best, hope and endure.  But if I don’t actually do the:  bearing up, believing the best, hoping and enduring – then it’s not love but mere intentions.

“on your marks”

Knowledge is the beginning of the race, “on your marks.”  This is the easy and painless part.  Sitting in the comfort of your home with your favourite hot beverage while reading and studying about … forgiveness.

“get set”

Then, conviction comes, “get set“:  Even though my husband had offended me, I shouldn‘t have responded that way.  Still sitting in that chair at home; alone with my thoughts – God doesn‘t require anything from me at this point (not too hard, yet).  That’s not to say that the knowledge we get from studying God’s Word isn’t worthwhile, it is – you get back what you put into studying it.  However, this isn’t the reward that Paul alludes to in 1 Corinthians 9.

“GO”

When I hear the crack of the starter’s pistol, this is when I move into revelation from God’s Word.  It’s not in the being on my mark and getting set that my works are seen and proved to myself; but in the “GO.”  When the mere academics of learning God’s Word morphs my heart into practical action.  How I respond to an offence from my brother is the “GO.”  This is the definer of growth. (James 1:22).

We’re all in a race.  I’ve found that the majority of my training for heaven (1 Corinthians 6:2) has been worked through the sphere of marriage.  Thinking and reading about how to have a great marriage through forgiveness is a great place to start.  But if you don’t leave the starter’s block of good intention – you’ll never get there.

 “Information is not transformation – Doing is”

 

Fake it till you make it

Our son was visiting over the holidays this year and I saw this on his screen saver:

(I will take responsibilities for my own life.)

(I will find lessons in setbacks.  I will look forward and not backward.)

(I will be empowered by my circumstances not impeded by them.)

(I will do things others are unwilling to do.)

What encouraging words!  And of course marriage being my passion, I adjusted the words slightly:

Today, I will do the things for success in my marriage that others are unwilling to do.

We all know this is easily done when it‘s going well and there‘s peace.  But what about when it’s not so peaceful.

How do you say words and live actions

that you don’t feel?

Fake it?  Seems slightly deceptive if not a downright lie and perhaps with the wrong motive it is.  But the right perspective changes it.

It is right

We all fake it from time to time.   “That was the nicest wedding service I’ve been to!”  Or, “That is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen!”  (A Seinfeld episode comes to mind here)  Growing up we are encouraged to do our part and apologize to make things right, even when we don’t think it’s our fault or if we agree with the outcome.

Why – why should we fake right when we feel wrong(ed)?  Remember when mom said, two wrongs don’t’ make a right?  Mom was dead-on.  God drives this home in His Own words: Do not return evil for evil.

To make this applicable to marriage it will be more difficult to swallow:

Today, I will do the things for success in my marriage

that others are my husband is unwilling to do.

 

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want is to be nice to someone who has been mean to me or hurt my feelings.  Whether an offence is real or imagined; intentional or not, it still hurts.  I remember someone at a church we attended rounded up our small group (excluding me and hubby) and went to the pastor to complain about my husband.    Going into details of an offence is petty, suffice to say it became a mess because ‘the issue‘ is never really ‘the issue‘.  The topper for me was being approached by this person with their hand extended as they said, “Still friends?”  No discussion whatsoever, just a big smile and this request.  I responded with a lie through a thin smile, “Yes of course.”

… but, was it a lie?

• I returned good for bad (1 Peter 3:9)
• I covered the offence of a brother (1 Peter 4:8)
• I didn’t take vengeance into my own hands but left room for God’s wrath (Romans 12:19)
• I maintained the unity (1 Corinthians 1:10)

At the risk of sounding like I’m some super saint – please don’t be mislead!  My kids and friends and husband will tell you – there are lots of times that I do return evil for evil and don’t cover the offence.  There are lots of times I don’t strive for unity – sometimes, vengeance is just too tasty.  This exchange just happens to be one of the few times I was able to scratch my way to the door of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13).

So – how do you change how you feel?  You can’t – only God can.  Is it a lie (or is it wrong) to do what God commands — even when you don’t feel it?  No, I don’t believe it is.  In fact, I believe this is precisely the time it’s righteous to obey God’s Word, especially because you don’t feel it.

I bet Jesus wasn’t exactly feelin the love for me or you as He was being executed – yet out of obedience – He stayed.  Having every right to not stay for that execution – having done nothing wrong – He stayed.

Do

Believe that God wants your marriage to be successful, if you work towards this end He will out give the good you put in! (Malachi  3:10-11*)

Be the wife you believe will make God proud.  Be willing to trust Him for the victory of your marriage.  Expect God to do what He says.  (Psalm 25:21)

Focus on the good things of your man.  You know they are there – these are the things that attracted you in the first place.  Call a successful marriage into being – and believe what you pray. (Phil 4:8; Rom 4:17)

Don’t

Don’t return a negative for a negative – especially to a brother who is a husband. (Luke 26:28)

Don’t feed your marriage only when your husband is willing to, this doesn’t show that you are obedient or loving towards God – only that you know how to keep score. (Luke 6:33 and 1 John 3:11)

For many years I did keep score and that choice stopped me from being obedient to God’s Word. (See Luke 26:28:33)  I used to think that faking it was deceitful; not godly, but now I see that my view was wrong.  Faking it is actually a weapon we use.  It merely means that I’m going to trick my feelings so they don’t get in the way of my obedience.

You can fake it till you make it because you know you’ll make it.  That’s the key!!  When God says He’s great – He means it and anticipates our expectation of the miraculous! (Psalm 27:14; 39:7; 42:5)

 

Lord, teach us to expect You and stretch us wives to do the things for success in our marriages.

 

*If there are devourers that are destroying parts of your marriage put this principle to work and do what God says, Test Me in this.  God will not go against His Own Word and Law of sowing and reaping.  As a homemaker I have (had) no income to tithe from, so I tithed on what I did have:  myself.  The attitudes of my mind and heart.

 

 

 

Stand on this promise

There is an old hymn called Standing on the Promises of God.  You can find Alan Jackson’s version here.  After watching the link it’s easy to come away with a feeling of entitlement and that all of God’s promises are great and effortless.

We don’t sing about hard time promises.  Good grief when I used come across them in the Bible, I’d skim over them as quick as possible, barely giving them a second glance, the last thing I wanted to do was the kind of rumination it would take to write a song about them!  True fact:  When I was a new believer I thought that if you read the Book of Job, too often – you were just inviting trouble into your life.  So new and so naïve.

As much as we don’t like it, God does make us some promises we would rather not look at.  Here’s one from 1 Corinthians 7:28:  Yet those who marry will have physical and earthly troubles, and I would like to spare you that.

Notice Paul doesn’t say, Those who … :

• are good wives will be spared
• respect their husbands will be spared
• read the Bible enough, or memorize every verse, will be spared
• pray enough will be spared
• go to church every Sunday will be spared

On and on it goes.  No way around.  No ‘brown-nosing’ up to the Teacher with acts of kindness done elsewhere than marriage.  No way to avoid what God says.  This is how it spoke to me:  yet those WHO MARRY WILL HAVE  physical and earthly TROUBLES, and I would like to spare you that.

You don’t see this little nugget in the wedding vows do you?  It would have been nice if it had of been pointed out.

But since God spoke it in His Word – it becomes a promise.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s be better to see these Words for what they are and be ready accept trials, rather than looking like a deer caught in the headlights when it happens. (1 Peter 4:12)

Be honest about you – you are broken.  And about him – you married a broken man; a fallen son of God, and you both live in a broken world.  He is going to fall and sin … against you.  Handle him with care when he does.

Standing on this promise of earthly troubles in marriage might not bring a bunch of “amens” from people, but I guarantee it will bring blessings from God.

 It’s time to regard people less in the light of what they do and more in the light of what they suffer.

-Dietrich Bonheoffer

 

Judging

After reading this post at Practical Theology for Women on raising the bar on what it means to be a Christian it got me to thinking about focus, sin and judgment.  This was a great post!  It reminded me how important it is to remain non-judgmental from the sins of my spouse; yet at the same time not being blind to them either.  After all, we are called to help each other when we see attitudes or behaviours in our brothers and sisters that seem off-center. (Galatians 6:1)

However, in trying to help each other it’s important that vision doesn’t become inverted.  In the basic biology of the eye there’s a great lesson.  The eye sees with two types of vision at the same time:  Peripheral (side vision) and fovea centralis (central vision).

It’s much easier to “raise the bar” on what it means to be a Christian when it comes to a husband while, at the same time, lower it when it comes to ourselves.  When I focus on my man’s faults this means I’ve brought them (and him) into the central vision.  The vision that is sharp and intense – it sees all.  However with the peripheral, we do see it also – it’s just not as noticeable and lots of times we even miss things that happen there!

My favourite scene in the film The Silence of The Lambs is an exchange that takes place between Special Agent Clarice Starling and Dr. Hannibal Lecter.  He has just released a scathing synopsis of her life, in order to knock her off balance by offending her.  Her response is perfect:  “You see a lot, Doctor.  But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself?  What about it?  Why don’t you look at yourself and write down what you see?  Or maybe you’re afraid to.”

How do I know if my vision has been inverted?  His faults will scream louder than my own.  I’ve put my husband’s actions in fovea centralis when I see only his negative behaviours rather than my own; his good behaviours fade into the peripheral – going unnoticed.

This is judgment

The longer I keep him in the center vision in this regard, the easier it becomes to see only how his actions affect me – not how my actions and behaviours effect him.

This is selfishness

If I keep my husband in the line of vision that is judgment and selfishness, I place myself in the state of perpetual unforgiveness, this isn’t safe – for either of us.  The safest place for his negative behaviours are in the side vision.  I can’t let my husband’s faults distract from my own spiritual maturity.

 

To borrow from Special Agent Clarice Starling, Let’s look at ourselves with the high powered precision and write down what we see.

The grass IS greener

We can look at our neighbour’s lovely flower garden and see it as such effortless beauty.  All the different varieties that blend perfectly together:  Pinks, oranges, blues and purples and the dark earth poking through intermittently; completely free of weeds, of course.  Then turn our gaze towards our pathetic attempt.  It’s already the end of July and you can count the number of times on one hand you’ve been down on all fours – tending to what needs tending.

It’s the same with developing a healthy lifestyle.  When I see a woman that has athletically shaped her body and wishing I had that shapely body.  Wanting to lose some extra weight and doing nothing that resembles eating healthy but instead, gingerly snacking as I watch a movie instead of doing the work of stocking the pantry with the proper goods to do the job and heading out to the gym – tending to what needs tending.

We want what we want – and we want it without the work, without the care and effort.  We want a better marriage to happen without the mess of conflict.  We want it easy so that we don’t have to deal with the reality of our own reactions towards our spouse when they sin against us.  We want it simple so we don’t have to go deeper and expose the flaws and weaknesses in ourselves.

We don’t want to prepare the earth, plant the seeds, and then continue in weeding and watering.  We are lazy and selfish.

We don’t want set aside the time it takes to actually build muscle to take care of that fat.  And we certainly don’t want to restrict our dietary intake – to put any limits on ourselves.  We are spoilt and selfish.

We make it about us and want it our way — the way that is most painless and convenient and quick.  We want our spouse to BE the image of Christ already formed – now.  Rather than deliver grace through the process of forgiveness as they become Christ like.

A couple that has been married for over 40 years, to us, is lucky, rather than possibly acknowledge that maybe – just maybe – it wasn’t luck … but rather:  Hard selfless work and diligence – tending to what needs tending.

 

Happily ever after VS earthly troubles

Marriage is work and we’re clearly told that it will be hard, so why does it surprise me when it happens!  That’s like failing to put gas in your car before a long trip then being shocked when it runs out of gas.  Or planning a picnic, bringing food and no utensils for eating and then sitting there speechless wondering who‘s fault it really was that they were forgotten.  It’s just plain stupid.

I was lead to believe a lie; I wonder if you were too?  It’s the “marriage is easy, happy ending” mindset found in the phrase happily ever after.  It’s not that there aren’t times of complete bliss and euphoric pleasure found in marriage; there are.  It’s just that I find the mindset itself unbalanced when you stack it up against the Bible:  Yet those who marry will have physical and earthy troubles (1 Cor 7:28).

“Happily ever after” is a neat and tidy box that doesn’t move.  There’s no elasticity in it for the deep transgressions that husbands and wives commit against each other.  Transgressions that cause us to suffer anguish or be burdened and afflicted.  These transgressions can rub and chafe our soul into a narrow rut. Transgressions of thlipsis.

 We plan to get married.  We get married.

Then when our marriage twists up on us we act like it’s something out of the ordinary or something bizarre, “I can’t believe this is happening to me.” (1 Peter 4:12)  Walt Disney and The Brothers Grimm start to show themselves and the thlipsis hammers away at our ’happily ever after’ and we realize, “Oops, we forgot to plan for the trouble.”

It’s not that we plan for problems to happen but this knowledge is power and when we use it to our advantage it can be powerFUL.  I don’t believe that Paul warned us about this so that we could try and circumvent the reality of earthly troubles in marriage, but to forewarn us on how to navigate through them.

 happily ever after VS earthly troubles

If I could choose, I would have the easy one 24/7 – but I’ve found it’s just not the reality of life here on earth.

Are you loving – even when you hurt.

I love this picture   I found it while reading at The Time-Warped Wife.  The more I looked at it the more I realized that it beautifully captures a belief of mine.  You can’t hide what’s in your heart, it will always come out in your words or actions!  You can be really, REALLY cheezed-off from offence or sin or whatever … but what is truly in the hidden man (or woman) will always be revealed.

You can see it on this guys face.  Obviously peeved about something – he still seeks to do right ~ because that’s what’s in his heart.  What a great lesson for wives as well.

Have a great day!

(5 sleeps left)

Haven’t got a clue

“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”

Frequently God allows us to walk through confusing and tough times and sometimes those experiences even come through marriage.  One day blurs into another and things just don’t seem to make sense anymore.

We think we know what is going on but really we’re kidding ourselves; we don’t have a clue as to what God is doing – or what He plans to do.  We get in there with our words and hands, muck around and try and ‘fix it’ – try and make it better.   And it seems the more we try and figure it out, the worse it gets.

When things come out of ‘left field’ and all of a sudden everything is heading south, this is exactly the time to step back, pull our hands off and regroup.  Things are supposed to go ‘sideways’ from time to time, that’s why Peter says not to be surprised or shocked (1 Peter 4:12).  This is when we see that God’s way really isn’t like ours (Isaiah 55:8-9) and when we learn how to walk by our faith and not by what the circumstances look like (2 Corinthians 5:7).

But here’s the fantastic news!

It’s OK to not have a clue about what’s going on or what’s going to happen! 

Let God get His hands in the mess for a while and muck around – me and my husband are His responsibility anyway.  And as I wait and regroup; trusting God becomes my new reality because of believing what Jesus says:  How I’m working right now, you can’t be sure of, but after I’m done you’ll see it clearly. – John 13:7

Why This Blog

why I write

There are tons of books and blogs out there with heaps of advice on how to make your marriage work better.  How it should look; how it should be.  What is right for her and what is right for him and lots of them are right!  What each of you should be doing – then, according to that writer, you will have a happily ever after and growing marriage … life in the sunshine!

But, what about when it doesn’t get better?  What about when the sun shines less and less until finally – not at all.  What about craving the sunshine so badly and only seeing more rain?

You’ve read the books and the blogs and gone to the women’s conferences.  You are trying desperately to do your part but nothing seems to change.  Sounds pretty dismal doesn’t it?  Well, unfortunately, there are seasons in marriage that fall into the dismal category, that‘s just the truth.  Some are short seasons and some are agonizingly long.

I write to help my sisters – wives who find themselves in a hurting marriage; that dark, wet and warring place.  The place known as – for worse, in the vow, “for better or for worse.”

It is my deep desire to encourage you in hope and make that step of determination to walk in faith instead of what you see in your marriage. (2 Corinthians 5:7)  It is my prayer that you will take heart in allowing God to build your character and muscles of faith through a hurting and dysfunctional marriage.  That you can do it!  Don’t give up.  You can stay in the fray – that place just before happily ever after.

What I share comes from that place.  The place that is in between, the utopian beginning of “I DO” at the church altar and that seemingly elusive bliss of happily ever after - there sits, up with marriage – in the middle; unafraid and unashamed of past seasons of confusion from an aching heart.  Flooded with pain, hurt and hate – unforgiveness and some of the most unloving thoughts and prayers ever uttered by a wife ‘for‘ a husband — there I sat.

too much confusion

If you’ve read the books, talked to people, a Pastor or two and even marriage counselors and change is minimal at best and is short-lived; you know what I‘m talking about.  Then you are back to struggling again.  Round and round and round it goes.  It isn’t that happily ever after isn’t possible – it is!  It’s just that the word after isn’t the same as the word middle and while I was there, living in the middle, I learned that there were three problems:

1)       I didn’t really understand that marriage belongs to God and His idea of ‘happily ever after’ was different than mine.  As with everything else in life that we think we understand.  (Isaiah 55:8-9)  I wanted happily ever after before its time:  I wanted to pick the fruit before it was ready.

2)        Nothing was going to change in me (or the marriage) as long as my view was directed at my husband.  As long as I focused on his responsibility in marriage – it was impossible for me focus on my responsibilities – his sin always got in my way.  This is why, when I write on up with marriage I always have the wife ‘at fault’ or the one who carries the ‘shortcomings’ and needs to be the one to learn the most in the marriage.  In most of my posts you can interchange husband for wife – for spiritual maturity is required of all of us.  But it was this focus on Darrell’s faults that was the greatest stumbling block of blindness for me.  What I desire for wives reading is to forget about their husbands sins, faults, shortcomings (whatever you want to call them) and to seriously focus on their own growth into spiritual warriors in spite of their husbands‘ behaviour:  Only God can change his heart – not me.

3)        There was a secret I didn’t understand in application of the Bible to marriage.  It’s easy to comprehend, yet took me years to apply:  I was in a dual relationship with the same man.  Horizontally Darrell is my husband.  Vertically Darrell is my brother in Christ.  This revelation came through understanding Sarah’s dual relationship with Abraham.  They were brother and sister (half siblings in the natural) but also, they are our father and mother in the faith – which makes me a daughter and Darrell a son; we are spiritual siblings.  Moreover, God is my Father – I am His daughter.  God is Darrell’s Father – he is His son — this makes us sister and brother in the eternal realm.  Eternal is permanent therefore rates higher than temporal:  Darrell my brother takes priority over Darrell my husband.

double vision

In regards to Christians and divorce there are basically two schools of thought:

No – you can’t get a divorce and these are the verses in the Bible that say so (then a raft of quoted verses that support the view of “God hates divorce”.)  This knowledge of the law although necessary and great for obedience – lacks heart.  Jesus came to fill the law with His heart.

Then there is the other view.

Yes – you can get a divorce (then a raft of quoted verses that support their view of the grace of Christ).  The trouble with this view is that it’s open to the emotional interpretation of circumstances; it is subjective – how much pain and hurt am I supposed to endure?  Thus, ignoring the intention of the law.

Neither perspective balanced me but instead left me confused, which added more anxiety.  Both views made Biblical sense, but neither view brought the peace that I was seeking.  The peace that Jesus talked about, His Peace –John 14:27

Initially I stayed (I’m super pig-headed – not my most redeeming quality, but hey, God uses anything and everything!) mostly because I thought I had to:  The Law.  It was purely obedience to knowledge.  What I learned was that obedience to knowledge is all about the head; it is without heart.  I came dangerously close to completion as a first-class Pharisee.  The law might be a starting point, but it cannot finish the job – And as such, your heart is left, for the most part, unchanged.

This was my correction to God’s reality:  Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults – unless, of course, you want the same treatment.  That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.  It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbour’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own.  Do you have the nerve to say, ’Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt?  It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part.  Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbour. -Matthew 7:1-5

It was the covenant promise to stay married that God used to morph my heart from The Law to Grace; this taught me love – Christ’s love.  Previously I thought it had to be either:  Law – you cannot divorce; or Grace – you can divorce.  But it’s not one or the other; it’s both – they work in tandem:

Therefore love meets all the requirements

and is the fulfilling of the law.

–Romans 13:10

But before faith came, we were kept under guard by the law, kept for the faith which would afterward be revealed. Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith.  But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.  –Galatians 3:24-25

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~  ~  ~  ~

A word from Darrell:

To truly own a chain of events or circumstances and advise others with their own struggles in marriage, you must have lived it yourself.  In this experience, you usually don’t live it flawlessly; scars, baggage and even damage will ultimately shape you.  My wife, Robyn, has been through and continues to wade through, a marriage that has been to say the least, exasperating.  I was a hardened anti-Christian and quite honestly, had given up on mankind in general.

Up with marriage is a culmination of Robyn’s experience in the trenches of faith and marriage battles.  Fourteen years in this war, gives a person the right to advise others.  I have been blessed with the company of this woman, who fought a down and dirty battle for my soul.  For this reason, you owe it to yourself and your brother in marriage, to read wisdom – no matter how hard it might be to hear.

 

Flesh Versus Spirit (Part 5) Conditions and exclusions

We’ve all been to weddings – and just love them!  In spite of the increasing divorce rate (70% of divorces are initiated by wives), they restore excitement to our own marriages and a hope in happily ever after – or at least they try to.

Every part of the wedding ceremony is filled with wonder, but my favourite part is the vow exchange.  After my husband became a believer, one of the first things he did was to re-propose to me.  This is a portion of the vows that I spoke to him at our re-dedication ceremony:

I will be yours in times of Plenty & Want and Health & Sickness, Joy & Sorrow and Triumph & Failure.

I promise to Cherish and Respect you, Care For and Protect you, Comfort and Encourage you, and stay married to you until I die.

I will continue trying to be the completer God designed especially for you.  In confidence I will submit myself to your headship, as to our Lord.  Therefore I pledge my life to you as an obedient, faithful and loving wife.

These words inspire such hope and confidence.  As I wrote them, I could feel my courage and boldness grow.  But, what if we change them slightly?  What if we add just a few conditions.  A sort of safety net for our feelings to protect ourselves.

I will be yours in times of Plenty & Want - provided the ‘want’ isn’t too great and doesn‘t happen too often

and health & sickness - provided the sickness isn’t too inconvenient and I’m able to deal with it.

Joy & Sorrow - provided the sorrow isn’t too deep and doesn’t hurt me too much.

and Triumph & Failure – provided these failures don’t interrupt our flow of life for too long and don‘t happen too often.

I promise to Cherish and Respect you – so long as you do it first for me.

Care for and Protect you – so long as I feel cared for and protected I will reciprocate.

Comfort and Encourage you - so long as I feel you’re worthy of it.

And stay married to you until I die - unless I fall out of love with you.

I will continue trying to be the completer God designed especially for you - unless you change too much or make it too hard.

And in confidence I will submit myself to your headship, as to our Lord. - As long as you behave like the head (our Lord) and don’t hurt me with any bad judgments or mistakes in life.

Therefore I pledge my life to you, as an obedient, faithful and loving wife - so long as I think you are being an obedient, faithful and loving husband.

Hmmmm, conditions are interesting.  In no way would I want God to apply any conditions to my relationship with Him – because I fall so short of the mark myself.  Yet, if I honestly look into my past, I’d have to admit that there was a time when my love was conditional upon my husband’s behaviour; not very attractive for a professing Christ follower.

love one another in marriage

It is because God makes it explicitly clear that nothing will cause Him to drop me (Romans 8:35, 38-39) that He expects my love (His love in me) towards my brother to be likewise – No conditions added.  One of the reasons Jesus came as a person was to show us what this “one another” looks like, I give you a new commandment:  that you should love one another.  Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another. -John 13:34

forgiving in marriage

And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tender hearted (compassionate, understanding loving-hearted), forgiving one another[readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you. –Ephesians 4:32

forbearing in marriage

Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against anther, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. –Colossians 3:13

 doing good in marriage

See that none of you repays another with evil for evil, but always aim to show kindness and seek to do good to one another and to everybody. –Thessalonians 5:15

Choosing God’s Spirit instead of the temptation of my flesh means I respond the way He responds to me:  no exclusions or conditions.  He told us what to do.  Jesus showed us and the Holy Spirit empowers us.

Although we don’t say on our wedding day, but if we break the unity with our brother in marriage – drop him; our actions prove, that is what we really meant:  My promises were conditional upon my brother’s behaviour rather than God’s sovereignty.  This was one of the scariest things that I had to learn about myself.  It was at the exact moment that I had been packing to leave Darrell that God showed me that I wasn’t really trusting Him.

(Previous posts in my series Flesh Versus Spirit  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4)